I’m having a rough day. Winter is coming, all the news seems to be bad, Covid is spiking here in Minnesota, and since the loss of my son three years ago, some days just feel really…hard. And yet, as a practitioner of Eastern medicine and through Western research, I know well that my mindset can affect the state of my health. So I try to stay upbeat, meditate and count all the goodness in my life, which is often really helpful
I also find that it’s helpful to acknowledge that I occasionally have days when I’m sad, struggle or feel like my life has no meaning. And it’s helpful to be okay with that. What’s not helpful is forcing myself to act happy when I’m not feeling it, ignoring how I’m feeling or feeling guilty about not looking on the bright side. To maintain a façade of happiness, when in fact you’re struggling is the very foundation of something called toxic positivity.
Toxic positivity is believing that no matter how awful or devastating life becomes, you can overcome everything if you just stay positive. This can be internally generated by pretending everything’s fine, even in the face of truly horrible circumstances. But it frequently comes from other people who tell you to stay positive, look on the bright side, or that everything happens for a reason. They may be well-intentioned and truly believe that an optimistic outlook is the solution to everything, but chances are that they haven’t just lost their job, their home or a loved one.
When bad things happen, it’s not a test of your character or the result of not staying positive enough. Bad stuff happens to everyone, and in your suffering you discover the suffering of others. Often, however people don’t know what to say, but they want to help. And so they offer up useless statements that do nothing to help and only make the person suffering feel worse or that they’re to blame for not having the right mindset.
Toxic positivity is not about hope or intention. You can hope for a good outcome or intend to get through the day with kindness. The difference is that with hope and intention, there’s also room to acknowledge the challenges and difficult emotions you may be confronted with. Hope and intention don’t deny or bury what’s happening.
Isn’t a positive mindset helpful? The answer is that while scientists can’t determine if a positive outlook translates into a longer life, it can have some physiological benefits, such as lower blood pressure, decreased risk for heart disease and better blood sugar levels. So yes, avoiding stress and worry and staying positive can help up to a point, but a positive mindset can’t change reality. People get sick, have financial troubles and pandemics happen.
So when the sky is falling, how do you avoid toxic positivity? The most important thing is to recognize toxic positivity when it’s happening, either internally or in someone else. Know that challenges and disasters are a part of life, and so are the accompanying emotions. It’s a part of being human to feel fear, grief or anxiety. Also know that emotions are complicated and that you may feel more than one emotion at a time, and even conflicting emotions sometimes. When you’re with someone who is struggling with difficult emotions or challenging circumstances, its human nature to want to make it better. One of the best things you can do is just listen and acknowledge their difficult feelings and hard times.
